A New Year, Same Girl…

2020 brought about so many things & changes in my life. It wasn’t my worst year, but it was hard, scary at times, and different than any other.

But isn’t every year different?

There were lessons learned, unexpected losses, victories won, and lots of tears. Yet, through it all I really learned how much more God is in control than I give Him credit for.

I’m embarrassed to say that, but it’s the truth my friend. And here we tell the truth. The hard, sometimes ugly, life changing, real life truth.

At no point in 2020 did God ever leave me. Nor, did He leave you for that matter.

My husband came home from the hospital at the very beginning of January of 2020, after a total of a 9 day stay. (Not Covid related) My oldest daughter celebrated her 17th birthday and I was able to attend a Christian Retreat with some fellow moms!

February seemed filled with our normal activities and then March slid in almost under the radar. Virtual learning began and my job was deemed essential. Masks became a mandatory reality for me, but I was thankful for my job as others were losing theirs.

April and May we celebrated my birthday, Easter, my youngest daughter’s 13th birthday, and prom ~ all virtual, outside, and in a drive by fashion. We were thankful.

I wish I could tell you that I remained that way, but that would be a lie. I started losing pieces of myself. I lost my temper, I lost friendships, battles with fear, anxiety, & depression wore me down to familiar places I didn’t want to revisit.

A short getaway with my family brought about hope and I felt like myself again.

Until I didn’t. Everyday I would go to work never knowing what the day would bring. It brought death, sickness, flooding, fires, chaos and sometimes placing myself in danger. I was seeing and experiencing so much more than what I felt like the world was seeing. There was evil lurking in the world and at this point it wasn’t even hiding itself anymore. It walked right up to me and looked me in the eyes. I cried, I screamed, I cussed, and then sat in my office asking God for help.

More day trips in God’s creation and the beginnings of a sermon on Psalm 23 gave me back my hope. Adventures and memories made were a gift. Appreciation for my family and some little things I took for granted grounded me.

September arrived and it wasn’t until I was faced with what I felt as a moral and ethical dilemma at my job – that would really change things for me. Details aren’t important here, the choice I made was. Yet, I didn’t know that in the end it would cost me my job of twenty years. I cried as I packed up my desk, said goodbye to my team from six feet away, and carried my boxes to my car.

I had no idea what to do next. I cried on and off for a month, knowing in my head that God had a plan, but still trying to convince my heart. I attended a Bible study that I am sure God intended just for me. He would place women from all walks of life, different ages and stages so that they could speak life over me. And the truth…God’s truth! More tears came.

As the final three months of the year approached I realized how much God really was in control and how much I wasn’t at all! I needed Him for my very next heartbeat! I was relying on myself, and who was I to think that I had power like that?

And then this short term opportunity came my way. One that I believe was God ordained. I got to meet teens, pray with them, listen to them, and teach them what I could and what I felt God placed on my heart that day. Can I tell you something though? (I learned some things from them too!) I pray God continues to use me in this capacity somehow.

So you see, this was in no way the year I planned or expected. Word that we had lost loved ones broke my heart. Family members sick and others we couldn’t visit was a different reality. Yet, in His infinite wisdom God is still on His throne. In total control He looks and sees you and me. In our good, our bad, our ugly, our sometimes messy chaotic lives, and He whispers… “I Am”.

Wrapping up 2020, with all that I lost – I also gained a few things. I gained a little weight, some laugh lines, and wrinkles. Memories with the people I love. Victories won that were only possible with the help of God, and I can’t wait to see how He will use them for His glory.

So here’s to you 2020, the year none of us asked for, but the one we all got. It took us all by surprise, but not God. Nothing surprises Him.

Welcome….2021! I’m Heather. A girl saved by grace… somewhat the same as last year…just with a new perspective and an open heart, who is thankful that every day God’s mercies are new!

I don’t want a new me ~ I want to be like Jesus.

Faithfully His, Heather