If your heart was a room what would it look like? Is it clean with Pinterest worthy decor? Imagine, there is a door.

Someone knocks and you look to see who it is. It is the Savior Himself. You pause for a minute before letting Him in. You want to swing the door open wide, but can’t. You’re embarrassed for Him to see the condition of your heart. There are dusty areas, some broken parts and things hidden out of sight. Items stored up that do not matter.

I realize I have focused on situations and expectations that take up space. He knocks again. I’m scrambling around trying to tidy up the place. I wasn’t expecting Him, but knocking on the door of my heart is the Creator of the universe. The One who can see through space and time wants to sit and talk with me. And yet, I have filled my days up with so much, that when the most important One in my life knocks at the door of my heart I am too busy to open it. He will not force me to open the door, He is a gentleman and is waiting for an invitation.

He knocks again. This time I open it wide. “My heart is a little messy”, I tell Him and He smiles. I realize that He is not there for an inspection, He is there for me, His daughter. He says my name and there is nothing on earth comparable to the sound of His voice. We talk about so many things, I ask questions, He laughs and so do I. He looks to the left and sees a piece of my heart that is broken. Being the Healer of broken hearts, He takes a hold of this piece and mends it. It leaves a scar. A beautiful scar that reminds me of what He has done in my life. A song comes to mind. “Before I bring my needs, I will bring my heart…” That’s it. I will bring my heart to the One who gives me my next heartbeat. I decide to clean up, examining areas that need attention. “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10) I place this verse on the wall of my heart anxiously awaiting His next visit.

Lord, be The Keeper of my heart for the rest of my days to come.

Love, Heather

2020 brought about so many things & changes in my life. It wasn’t my worst year, but it was hard, scary at times, and different than any other.

But isn’t every year different?

There were lessons learned, unexpected losses, victories won, and lots of tears. Yet, through it all I really learned how much more God is in control than I give Him credit for.

I’m embarrassed to say that, but it’s the truth my friend. And here we tell the truth. The hard, sometimes ugly, life changing, real life truth.

At no point in 2020 did God ever leave me. Nor, did He leave you for that matter.

My husband came home from the hospital at the very beginning of January of 2020, after a total of a 9 day stay. (Not Covid related) My oldest daughter celebrated her 17th birthday and I was able to attend a Christian Retreat with some fellow moms!

February seemed filled with our normal activities and then March slid in almost under the radar. Virtual learning began and my job was deemed essential. Masks became a mandatory reality for me, but I was thankful for my job as others were losing theirs.

April and May we celebrated my birthday, Easter, my youngest daughter’s 13th birthday, and prom ~ all virtual, outside, and in a drive by fashion. We were thankful.

I wish I could tell you that I remained that way, but that would be a lie. I started losing pieces of myself. I lost my temper, I lost friendships, battles with fear, anxiety, & depression wore me down to familiar places I didn’t want to revisit.

A short getaway with my family brought about hope and I felt like myself again.

Until I didn’t. Everyday I would go to work never knowing what the day would bring. It brought death, sickness, flooding, fires, chaos and sometimes placing myself in danger. I was seeing and experiencing so much more than what I felt like the world was seeing. There was evil lurking in the world and at this point it wasn’t even hiding itself anymore. It walked right up to me and looked me in the eyes. I cried, I screamed, I cussed, and then sat in my office asking God for help.

More day trips in God’s creation and the beginnings of a sermon on Psalm 23 gave me back my hope. Adventures and memories made were a gift. Appreciation for my family and some little things I took for granted grounded me.

September arrived and it wasn’t until I was faced with what I felt as a moral and ethical dilemma at my job – that would really change things for me. Details aren’t important here, the choice I made was. Yet, I didn’t know that in the end it would cost me my job of twenty years. I cried as I packed up my desk, said goodbye to my team from six feet away, and carried my boxes to my car.

I had no idea what to do next. I cried on and off for a month, knowing in my head that God had a plan, but still trying to convince my heart. I attended a Bible study that I am sure God intended just for me. He would place women from all walks of life, different ages and stages so that they could speak life over me. And the truth…God’s truth! More tears came.

As the final three months of the year approached I realized how much God really was in control and how much I wasn’t at all! I needed Him for my very next heartbeat! I was relying on myself, and who was I to think that I had power like that?

And then this short term opportunity came my way. One that I believe was God ordained. I got to meet teens, pray with them, listen to them, and teach them what I could and what I felt God placed on my heart that day. Can I tell you something though? (I learned some things from them too!) I pray God continues to use me in this capacity somehow.

So you see, this was in no way the year I planned or expected. Word that we had lost loved ones broke my heart. Family members sick and others we couldn’t visit was a different reality. Yet, in His infinite wisdom God is still on His throne. In total control He looks and sees you and me. In our good, our bad, our ugly, our sometimes messy chaotic lives, and He whispers… “I Am”.

Wrapping up 2020, with all that I lost – I also gained a few things. I gained a little weight, some laugh lines, and wrinkles. Memories with the people I love. Victories won that were only possible with the help of God, and I can’t wait to see how He will use them for His glory.

So here’s to you 2020, the year none of us asked for, but the one we all got. It took us all by surprise, but not God. Nothing surprises Him.

Welcome….2021! I’m Heather. A girl saved by grace… somewhat the same as last year…just with a new perspective and an open heart, who is thankful that every day God’s mercies are new!

I don’t want a new me ~ I want to be like Jesus.

Faithfully His, Heather

Dear Mommy,

We had to tell you today was your birthday. You didn’t know how old you were and so we let you guess until you got it right. Today you turned 88 years old. The year is 2020 and the world seems to be a different place than it once was. I am almost thankful you don’t know all that is going on. In a strange way the Alzhheimer’s/Dementia have kept you from the real world, since most of the time you seem to be in a world of your own. It has been over a year since I have seen you. But the memories of our last visit and this picture of us are always close to my heart. We talked on the phone for 12 minutes today! That is the longest conversation we have had in years! I know it is your birthday, but those 12 minutes were a gift for me!

There are so many things I want you to know. I am so thankful that God made you my mommy. You are my first and forever best friend. You made sure that I had roots and wings and was proud of my heritage and where I came from. But most importantly, you made sure that I had a personal relationship with Jesus and that I had grounded myself in faith and stood strong on His promises. I am the woman I am today because of all you instilled in me about the unwavering love of Christ.

Honestly mommy…I long to ask you so many things, for you to give me advice, and have you pray over me like you use to. I really miss you. The you, you use to be. Sometimes it’s really hard mommy, so much has happened in my life over the years, and this year has been especially hard. That’s when I hear your voice, your words of godly wisdom, and I get on my knees and talk to our Heavenly Father.

I’m not sure when I will get to see you again in person, so until then I promise to always try and make you proud of me. To be the girl you raised to stand strong with my eyes turned to Jesus. To read all I can get my hands on. To suit up daily with the full armor of God, knowing that it’s a battlefield out there. To use what God has given me, to serve Him, and others. To align my dream’s with God’s calling on my life.

I will never forget that during our last visit, I got to wash and brush your hair. You didn’t know, but tears slowly streamed down my face as I remembered you doing the same for me as a little girl. What an honor that was for me to do this for you.

So today on November 15th, I celebrate you! I thank God for you! Happy birthday mommy from your baby girl.

*Her children rise up and call her blessed;

Proverbs 31:28

Love Always,

Heather Dawn

 

It was the middle of the night and there I sat in my kitchen floor against the cabinets with my knees pulled close to my chest. The thoughts that were swirling around in my head kept coming and the minutes began to drag on. I rocked back and forth as those awful feelings came flooding back again. I could feel the fear and anxiety crawling up my spine. This is a place I had been before. I knew it all too well. “They are feelings,” I told myself. “They will pass.” I began talking to God, “Lord, take this away, I don’t understand why these moments come, the fear I dread and the panic attacks are so draining…” I waited, they were still there. I knew how this would go.

I have dealt with fear and anxiety for two decades now. I’m no stranger to the process. When I talk about anxiety, I want you to know it is not your everyday run of the mill anxiety that life throws at us. I lived with a paralyzing fear that has brought me to the brink of more than just brokenness and feelings of defeat. At times I literally could not move, it consumed me. Thoughts, decisions I made were wrapped around the control fear and anxiety had on me. I despised it. I had let fear creep in through a small crack in my life, & allowed it control. I got really good at wearing a mask, so that others didn’t know in fear of what they would think of me. I’m a Christian, why would I be struggling? It was a long hard fight that I could only do with God’s help. I still deal with anxiety and fear, but not like I use to. I wondered why I endured what I can only describe as a living hell, but it doesn’t matter. It brought me closer to God. It gave me the gift of seeing Him as my Deliverer, my Healer. “…He will never leave you nor forsake you…” (Deut. 31:8 NIV) washed over me. I looked over with tear stained eyes and caught a glimpse of Jesus right beside me with His nail scarred hands over mine. I will never forget the night my Savior met me on my kitchen floor.

Beloved, His love for us is like no other. He cares so deeply for you. Know that when anxiety rears its ugly head, we have a Savior that has already defeated it and we can cling tight and rest in knowing that He reigns over all.

 

 

Faithfully His,

Heather

(I wrote this devotional originally for @daughterofdelight linktr.ee/daughterofdelight)

 

 

Dear Mom,

 
Today you turn 86 years old. I thought about what to get you, after all you have given me so much in my life. Of course, there is nothing I could think of that would celebrate you the way I wanted. So, I decided to put my pen to paper and write you an old-fashioned letter. (except that now it’s more like my fingers to the keyboard) I want you to know how much I thank God that you are my mom. I came along late in your life at the age of 41. When others would say to me, “oh, you were a surprise baby”, you always corrected them stating, “no, she was no surprise, she was invited.” I never knew how much I would appreciate that in my life, knowing from the very beginning that I was wanted. You always had my back, were always in my corner and were my biggest encourager. You taught me about Jesus before you taught me my A, B, C’s. The wife of a pastor, a nurse, and the mother of four daughters…I will never know how you did it all. By the time I came along you had set aside your nursing career. You were assisting dad in ministry, raising us four girls, and your eyesight had begun to fail. I will forever be grateful for the lessons you taught me, especially the hard ones that helped shape me into the woman I am today. Thank you for grounding me, for disciplining me, and instilling morals in my life. I smile as I recall the motherly phrases you would say to us all… “If you’re bored, then read a book!” “Get up you will feel better!” “Buck up kid, you can do this!” “Good show kid!” I can still hear you saying to me… “You are never alone Heather, God sees you and He is right here with you.” “My sweet daughter, God will never waste your pain and He sees ever tear you shed.” I look back now as a mother myself and I see how selfless and sacrificing you were at times. We never went without, you and daddy made sure of that. You are my very first and forever best friend. You taught me more than college ever could. You kissed my skinned knees and watched over me when I fell in that yellow jackets nest, creating a homemade remedy that would take away the pain. You wiped away my tears when the world seemed so unkind, but most importantly you prayed over me. You taught me to be strong, confident, and to go for my dreams. All the while making sure that I knew to align my dreams with God’s calling on my life.

When I graduated high school you gave me a book of quotes and inside the cover you wrote, “Heather, I gave you life, but I cannot live it for you-I can take you to church, but you must believe for yourself-I can teach you love and kindness and tell you about the pitfalls of life, but I can’t cushion your every hurt-I can send you to school, but I can’t make you learn-I can teach you high ideals and worthy goals, but you must obtain them. It’s your move daughter, I love you, mother.” Little did I know at the time, but I would read those words over and over again. You knew my love for the written word and taught me to read everything I could get my hands on. Alzheimer’s/Dementia has decided to change some things, but I can still see you in there. I long to ask you for motherly advice and to have one of our long talks about the goodness of God. But these days our conversations consist of the weather and songs from old musicals. You won’t be able to read this letter, instead I will read it to you. It seems strange to say while you are still here, but I miss you mommy. I hope you would be proud of me. I will never be able to repay you for all you have done in my life, so on this day I celebrate you! I thank you for being you!

I thank God that He made you my mommy!

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Proverbs 31:28

Happiest of birthdays,
Love always, Your daughter,

Heather Dawn

Philippians 1:6

_Stick with me here, this may seem a little long… but it’s a story I want to tell. I must be upfront & honest with you; I was about 85% excited & 15% scared…make that 15% excited & 85% scared. My husband had been wanting me to come “experience” hunting with him for a while…& I finally agreed. Just to be clear, I had no idea what to expect. The night before we were to go hunting I went through a “crash course” on instructional knowledge, statistics, & deer anatomy. I listened intently & tried to memorize every piece of information that was coming my way. I wanted to be prepared just in case I did see a deer. We went to bed & I am pretty sure I slept for maybe two hours. But that didn’t matter, once everyone started stirring & moving about in the house I was awake. I was told to make sure I went to the bathroom before we left, as there would not be lady facilities where we were going. We started gearing up & dressing in our appropriate layers, I remember they kept adding layers to my apparel-which trust me I would soon thank them for. You know that moment when your ready to go somewhere & nature calls? Well, you guessed it, I had to pee & I was wearing 42 layers! How was I going to make this happen? I waddled into the bathroom & don’t ask me how, but let’s just say I took care of business. Whew!
One thing I didn’t think about when agreeing to all this was, the fact that we had to get up before the sun rose & ride a four- wheeler into the pitch black to get in our appropriate hunting spots. All layered up I stood there looking up at the night sky to see the moon shining its light onto this small valley of trees. God’s creation, I was in awe. I took a mental picture since I knew there was no way to get to my phone in all this clothing & I wanted to remember that moment. Then I heard, “alright, let’s go!” I climbed onto to back of the four-wheeler clinging to my husband, & I thought to myself, this is it…I am really doing this! We took off & man was the wind whipping. I decided to lower myself & tilt my face into the crest of my husband’s shoulders, he was warm & this helped with my nerves, (I mean excitement) & the wind. Up the mountain we went, onto the winding dirt trail, entering deeper into the woods. We got to the location that I am going to call “the drop off point”. You see this is where you park the four-wheeler & walk to your deer stand…in the dark! I don’t remember this very important fact being brought up during my “crash course” the night before. “Are you kidding me?”, I whispered to my husband. “No, shhhh let’s go.” He whispered back. Let me just stop right here for a minute. Every scary movie I had ever seen that involved the woods came to my mind. I kept thinking, I know how this ends, I saw The Blair Witch Project! As we crept into the woods I held tightly to Clint, my husband’s hand, praying that we would reach the tree soon. And there it was, thank you Lord. We climbed up the tree & into the stand. Once we were all situated, I nestled against my husband’s shoulder just in time to see the sunrise. If I saw nothing else while sitting in this tree, watching the sun rise over God’s amazing creation literally took my breath away. I soaked it all in, every color of every leaf, the sounds of the squirrels & chipmunks scurrying about, the feeling of the wind blowing on my skin, & the warmth & presence of the man that I love right beside me. I would be forever grateful to God for this moment.

 

As the minutes passed into hours I got a little stir crazy. All these thoughts were racing through my head of what needed to be done when we arrived home from our trip. I looked at what I was wearing… I sure liked the camo. I felt “hidden” in it. If I could wear this outfit all the time would it hide my fears, my insecurities, my imperfections & scars? I mean green was my favorite color & this had all different shades. I was camouflaged. Everything was concealed. That was its job after all to create the illusion that you actually belonged in the spot you were in, nothing out of place, simply disguised. And I realized this was what I had been doing in my own life. Was I real? Was I honest with myself and others? Was I attempting to hide from God…. when I know He can see into the deepest parts of me & He knows me better than I know myself. What a revelation to come upon while sitting here in the silent woods awaiting the arrival of a deer. How cool that God did that & in that setting! I made an agreement with myself to be honest & raw, & to quit worrying about what others thought of me & pleasing them. I would listen to God & push hard & try to be obedient to Him.
Finally, it was time to climb out of the tree stand & head back down…but I wanted to walk for a minute & my husband said go ahead. And just then I spotted her…a deer! I looked at my husband pointing at the deer in some kind of motion, like what do I do? He motioned for me to get on one knee, but I was so excited I wasn’t fully paying attention to his signal & I got down on both knees. I got in position trying to recall every piece of information about hunting I was given. I closed my left eye, lined up my shot in the scope & the next thing I know I was laying flat on my back, with my heart pounding, & my husband standing over me with this Chester cat grin. “What are you doing?” he said trying not to laugh… “I fell over!” I said. As he helped me up, I couldn’t believe the thoughts that were racing like a whirlwind through my head & the adrenaline that was rushing on overtime. I took a step & caught another glimpse of the camouflage on my legs, & basically my entire body. “Hidden no more,” I said to myself. Psalm 139:23-24 came to my mind… “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” God had always seen me. The good, the bad, and the ugly parts… Even the ones I thought were hidden. Every detail, He knew about & He still chose to be my Friend. To love me unconditionally. To want to talk with me. There was no camouflaging that.
I look back at that day & smile. God is so good, so holy, & righteous. Our one & only Creator. He created you & me. I was amazed that He could use a hunting trip to bring to light so many things in my life. I would continue to join my husband in the woods, in the quiet, in God’s breathtaking creation & He would continue to work on me… thank you God for making me the wife of a hunter.

—-Are you hiding out? Do you wish you could camouflage parts of your life? We all do at times, but we serve a mighty God that is more powerful than anything else that could come our way. He is for you, not against you. Cling to that thought, hold onto it tightly, and talk with the One who sees you. Think about Psalm 139:23-24… Oh, how He longs to hear from us.

Write around the corner,
Faithfully His,
Heather

They say to write about what you know…whoever “they” are. Well, my friends here is what I know. If you are looking for a blog that is perfectly written by a perfect person, you won’t find that here. I’m scarred, broken, and I’m sometimes a little too passionate about things. I have faults, but then again don’t we all? I make mistakes, have doubts, and I second guess myself. Let’s just be real from the start- none of us have it all together, especially me. But we sure do like for others to think we do, wouldn’t you say? Would you want everyone to know your deepest secrets, your sins, the things you struggle with and the fears that tear you up inside? I’m guessing not, but honestly if I don’t share some of these things with you, I am not being obedient in the calling that God currently has for me. I have been disobedient if you want to know the truth. I have wrestled with writing these things down and then sharing them on a blog, on the internet, on the world wide web for crying out loud. I mean once it’s out there, it’s out there.

I have always wanted to write for as long as I can remember. I have this fascination with words and the way they can make you feel. A good speech can get you pumped up enough to make you feel like you are ready for battle or like you are going to compete for the gold medal in the Olympics! And I mean you are in- all in, feeling like nothing can stop you! Can’t you just hear the theme song from Rocky III, “The eye of the tiger…the thrill of the fight…” Sorry I got lost in the music for a minute. See lyrics to songs- again words. However, words can also tear you down, make you cry and even give you a feeling of less than. When you overhear them say…”Who does she think she is?”… “She has got to be kidding me with that outfit.”… “She is so weird, did you know she has all these crazy fears that don’t make sense?” I have had those feelings, the “less than” ones. Right now as I am typing this, my nemesis fear is breathing down my neck. That’s right…. fear. Fear of what if, fear of what will “they” think, fear of what happens next? But I have realized that I cannot live my life in fear. God has made that very clear to me, and I am so thankful that He has. My love for words continues to lead me to God’s Word-The Holy Bible. Searching through the pages of this living, breathing, book of holiness where God so lovingly speaks to us. These are words of life, redemption, salvation, deliverance, and the ultimate truth.
Truth that you and I need to hear.

-I say, “I feel so alone.”

* God says, “I am right here, I will never leave you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

-I say, “I am so broken & such a mess. If everyone really knew the real me…”

*God says, “I knit you together in your mother’s womb, you are fearfully and                          wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)

-I say, “I’m scared to death.”

*God says, “I am with you, & I have not given you a spirit of fear.”                               –                (2 Timothy 1:7)

 
Hold on to these truths as I do. Now begins a new chapter in my life. One of obedience and doing what God has called of me, and that is writing to Him. Writing what He places on my heart, using my experiences and life stories to share His goodness and saving power with others. So whether 2 people read this or 22 do- I am choosing to take that step of obedience. This is for You, God and the words You constantly speak into my life.
Can’t wait to hear from you…

Write around the corner,

Faithfully His,

Heather

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton